You cannot know what is going on in a person's life from the few words or posts they put onto the public arena platforms, or what they speak of via emails.
A lot can happen in a day, and each day passes mostly unseen.
I do not presently wish to speak to people much because I keep having the experience of people accusing me of wrongdoing, or yelling at me via audio, because they use what small amount of words I share online to form opinions. I do not receive the benefit of the patience folk seem to give to the distressing issues in their lives which they wanted me to talk with them about persistently. I get the sharp whip and the cut direct. I can only think that it is wanton, and I do not have to put myself into those situations.
Someone told me whilst I was in the midst of the stress of moving household, that I 'had hurt them, and was now laughing about it'. I puzzle over that statement at sudden moments. It would have been a more meaningful complaint if they had bothered to express what it is that I did that caused such immense offence that they would find it necessary to toss about 4 and a half years worth of friendship into the shitter and call it waste. I feel somewhat 'gaslighted'.
I am also finding myself increasingly taxed by the world's sadness and distress. I wish there was a fix, that the human species could mature enough to see the opportunities for harmonious life as a majority. There is a wealth of innovation producing highly effective methods of healing this planet's surface and reversing the damage of greed, viciousness, and heartlessness. After about 40 years of hearing the dialogue for the need for change in the direction of human civilization, I still seen none.
So I am in a low motivation/self bullshit mode right now. I am more in the mildly hopeful of survival, head down and get the job of life done mode.
For 12 1/2 years my husband and I have been supporting a sponsorship program in other countries to assist at risk children with their education and health needs, as well as contribute to their communities. That the world has so much destitution should alarm everyone. I don't get as emotionally invested as I once did, possibly because I learned how to modulate involvement so as to have enough emotional and physical energy to run my own daily life and care for those in my immediate circle as wife and mother. Yet I learned today that just because I don't show the investment, does not mean that I have not made it.
The organization which we sponsor through called me with news that the young man we sponsor in Kenya succumbed to illness and passed. I have known him for 4 1/2 years, even if distantly with spotty communication. I am heartbroken for his mother, and keep crying. Where does this hard labour of survival end? This young man's spark was bright and beautiful, and he has moved beyond us, but why did he have to? And why with painful illness? He is one of many who leave every day, and many more keep arriving.
The whole thing keeps on going with the main difference the rising levels of desperation amongst humanity feeling the imminent arrival of a change of environment on a global scale. Whilst here, this boy drew pictures, played ball, enjoyed science, helped his mother, did his best at studies. He had a life I know nothing about. And now he is somewhere else. And I keep crying, in part because his death is forming evidence of something I do not fully understand and am weary of hoping to figure out, or at the least, to accept.
Much occurs on this planet beyond the approved media releases of assassinations, threat of war, destruction, torment, environmental catastrophe and celebrity births. It may be that we shall be surprised by a river of astounding success stories signalling a planetary shift towards living growth as a new balance emerges. I hope so.
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