So Much

*begun May 30 2021

Jump to @ Mon June 7

Jump to @ Mon 14/06/2021

I have spent so much time looking, seeking, hoping to find, trying to fit in, trying to be something recognisable, questioning every little thing I think and feel, and don't believe in; shuffling in dirt to find a place, a line, a track.

So much time and lifeforce has been invested in doing this thing which has no beginning and no end; which has no instruction book, no program, no support group.

I am not complaining, not wailing; I am observing, that is what I do. I am noting and weighing the figures which compose the waveform dances of my life stream.

I was pushed/urged to re-activate @between.speak on Instagram, and have been posting to my Time Woven on Youtube. These activities invariably toss me into heavy thought flows with muddied colours. I accept that my activities are mostly of no point to the communal puddle of life here. Accepting that statement makes it so much simpler to process the waves of expectation and demand for response which hover over social media streaming like starved harpies.

As soon as I engage in these places I feel mediocre, embarrassingly irrelevant, unsettled, incomplete.

How many people say that their life is what they want it to be?

This post is now here as a place for me to come and add similar sentiment when it wafts by, over, through - as gaseous effluvium on the pathway through a fecund swamp. No necessity then to make repeated posts. This one can be the sticky fly paper for thought gnats.

So be advised: this post will be an ongoing exercise in probable distress and intermittent misery.

@ Mon June 7

- a blah day for sure. Not at all sure where to put my mind, what to focus on. Rather would like to float off into deep space. I am not grasping hold of much point to my living and breathing as I write this, to be honest. But that happens.

• Has been a week and a bit of heavy travelling and sudden changes in the human family fields. My uncle died suddenly and unexpectedly on the day of the lunar eclipse. My mother-in-law died on Saturday, the day after my uncle’s funeral, after a pretty quick decline of some form of dementia or brain shutdown. I am a bit tired of trying to be here myself.
  

Certainly I am not mission driven. I am subject focused. I wish so much that I could put my mind on ordinary stuffs, not extraordinary stuffs and possible happenings which are so seemingly irrelevant to this life and planet.

I do get bothered by holding the shape of my presence in a place which gives zero fucks to engage, and I get bored and edgy living in a shadowland disconnected from equal exchange. I am confident that I am not special in that sensation but seeing as this blog is all about me, I have no juice in me to give a waffle on how I should consider myself graced, blessed, and fortunate to be less afflicted than anOther.

I don’t want to be me. But having done it now for 48 years, I’m still in it for the long haul until my heart gives out. And then - | - and then something else I hope!

I have been working a denser level of frequency with my ‘Receiving Red’ pass key from 2018; building more layers to the etheric structures which it connects to. To start out I felt really dizzy, off and kinda fluey as the additional colour sets inloaded. Now it is probably working through the emotion body fabrics and kicking up mud.

Writing posts relating to emotional states and mental mudpies is something I mostly avoid now. I see no profit in it, as in not a fruitful harvest as a result of the investment of thought and time. I feel how I feel, telling the void or 'public' how I feel isn't going to change how I feel. Yet simultaneously I dislike the sensation of pressure to hide away dense thoughts in favour of appearing 'with it', 'all together', 'grateful', 'consciously evolved' or whatever the hell other daft mentality anyone doing anything slightly connected to spirituality has to hold the burden of to not face derisive judgement.

So heck it! Today I will not be judging myself for feeling like a smear of crap on the heel of the universe.

Tomorrow I could feel like Buddha, or Tiamat, or the consciousness of the core of Mars.

@Mon 14/06/2021

Here we are, another 7-day. Curious maths is this linear time march. I have stalled on the transcript for 24 June 2020 - The Forming Voids. It is just about done, but the end got squirrelly and hotly agitated, so I stepped back to let it simmer a while. The Forming Voids was published on a couple of platforms in public arena for several months or more; perhaps a few someones have listened and tried making sense of it but thought frustrated incompleteness onto it instead.

I am working overtime to hold my desire to yell into the aethers at ascension meditation streams. I find them scratchingly shallow and inaccurate, even openly controlling and emotionally manipulative, but I am not supposed to speak or think that way yeah? Anyone pursuing consciousness development is instructed to be like Kuan Yin or Buddha and love all in calm compassion. I would prefer to be like Kali Maa and step on heads.

@Tues 22/06/2021

Because I love the act of turning heavy stuff into well organized data, I created a 'Journal' for the contents of this blog post and any future 'misery sneezes'. I called it 'A Journal of Intermittent Misery'. It is for member viewing only, whereas the 'Thought Notes' is an open view spot. Find it here: https://time-woven.wixsite.com/wind-weaver/journal/entries

Link is also in the menu drop-down. Happy days to you folks!