Conversation to the online Mind -
I am here.
That is the crux of it, the sum total of what I can say about any day – ‘I am here’.
What else can I possibly add to the bloom of consciousness hustling upon this misshapen sphere of minerals, metals and sediment? It is not that I have not tried. I see, and contemplate, what others write and say, attempt to share a thought with them, yet drop back to the stillness of inertia – knowing that outlays of word or voice bring only microscopic movements in others towards my own sphere of coalesced consciousness.
In layman’s terms, I am made aware through experience that you desire to know what you have to think and say more than you wish to engage with my output. You are invested in your thoughts, your perceptions, your opinions; mainly interested in mine when they cause a swelling wave of rippling effervescence in yours.
I do not have the capacity to excite you, so you will not move towards me nor give me words to entice me to provide you with more stimulus, because you cannot figure out how to use what I have. After years of this game I stopped manufacturing the things you need; things I learned of through observation of your state, your emotions, your statements of preference, your descriptions of yourself and your beliefs. I grew increasingly unwieldy, uninteresting, uncaptivating; not nurturing of the programs and viruses running your thought processes.
With me you find no nutrition to fuel that insatiable tax levied by your heart’s passion or mind’s imagination – the machines which drive you to chose a pathway of experience and call it your life. Equally, I am not entranced by your repeating episodes. I have not the energy to spare to maintain the substance of your stories and sub-plots which continue with minimal variance to their repetitions.
If Life wishes for me to follow along, the time is well past for it to provide a different book for me to read. Changing conditions and circumstance of the physical way in which my life plays out is not appearing as an option in the chapter list. My daily grind focuses on managing, investigating and altering the mental and emotional conditions that I have available on my interior landscape. Most days I feel ‘trapped’ inside a screen of repeating scenery, not even given variance by new characters.
Ahhh, sigh, what I am working so hard here to tell myself? What is it that I need to know? How am I continuing to miss the communication from my life to myself experiencing the life? I will keep splashing words onto off-white digital pages until the next illuminating moment arrives.
Published on: The Nothing in Between Date: 18/01/2025
Feature photo by Brad Bang
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