I Can Learn

Year and year and more year learning to not hold on to things which bruise me. I can learn this, I know I can. I know I can learn to walk confidently away from situations and points which I cannot form the right sentences and responses to be in the space simultaneously with without feeling the friction of different dialogue streams creating conflicting results from the same data.

I am learning this. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to not have to explain myself over and over. I deserve to not have to chase, to negotiate, to appease, to speak over and over until I find the right words to be understood. I deserve to not be the only point considered to be in conflict in a conflagration. I deserve to be given answers as much as anything demanding them.

I deserve these things because I give myself the grace to expect them, not because of any other ideology of a universal right or code of conduct. I deserve to keep walking strongly, knowing that in every moment I try my best to not be an arsehole, to be considerate, to be compassionate, to be reasoning, to be understanding. I deserve to accept that I have my limits at which my metre fills up and spills over, and that when that happens, the things which I have worked so hard to keep balanced will tumble in a child's mess of blocks with hard edges.

I deserve to not be the only person in a room expected to be perfect in every word and deed. And I deserve to have more than one paragraph to give words by which to be understood. So I give myself that space.

Any Other can rightfully expect their own set of deservings, and the sets of multiple parties need not match. Because I can walk off in another direction as equally right as the one where I found the things to say in a situation to communicate my heart.