Re-Imagine
Updated: Aug 16, 2022
I do not know what, who, why I am, having reset my perceptual parameters so that I can re-imagine the warp and weft of my life.
And I ask "What now?"
I released the expectation that this world truly accepts the tools which bring about lasting change toward healthy growth. Then I released the belief that I existed to fulfill an obligation to precipitate change in a closed system.
Now to develop, implement, and utilize well, the framework to accept and receive a state of 'not doing for the good of others'. I also released all Others from my previous attempted constructs. No parts to play, no cast to audition, just me on my stage.
Kilauea and I pattern the same volcanic eruptions of landscape altering internal interactions.
The extremely unpleasant experience of a nervous system breakdown is wearing on. Passed the month mark and identifying panic disorder indicators all over the patchwork of my life. I have been actively avoiding this reset period for years. And yet here it is, coinciding with the spectacular rumblings and eruptions of Kilauea, to the day. When I have a spike of symptoms, I check the latest Hawaii updates. Kilauea and I are in this together, puff by disrupting puff.
It became essential to remove my attention from pretty much anything outside my immediate physical experience. So online activity is a trickle. I pull back to myself the out-layed dreaming energy of unnumbered lives associated with this planetoid. Resources require to be reclaimed, absorbed, balanced, re-assigned.
I feel that I greatly underestimated the catalytic and transformational capacities of the tools I produced leading up to this transition event. This is something I have always done though, not paid proper acknowledgement to the skill, mastery, potency of what I am and what I create. These are not tools to take lightly.
The invasive tech you will encounter if/as you use these tools, is layered and has been in place for many thousands of years, being integrated seamlessly into the human physiology. As the tools begin to work on another layer of my own multi-layered system, I feel the resistance in my whole body as an aversion to listening to the tracks of sound symbols. Some of the sounds become harsh or grating. But I keep taking my medicinal dose of sound, just as I would persist with a bitter herbal tincture. When a new plateau point is reached all the sounds my body then receives as smooth and soothing.
These tools are stripping away millennia of disrupted experience and technology from my many fields and into my other Forms and Structures. Where I will be when I pop out the other side of this bending, twisting, rending metamorphosis, I have no clue. The new landscape may not even look that different.
The re-wiring of my nervous system is painfully obvious. Valerian root is my friend. I take about 20g of dried root a day which keeps the anxiety attacks at a manageable level, and reduces the unsettling vibration and contracting spasms throughout the vagus nerve system, and into the fascia. Tapping over the nerve bundles at the base of the skull and down the neck and back, even over the abdomen, with a large hair brush brings blessed relief when the spasming mounts, and can head off a full-blown nerve/sound symbol eruptive event.
My best guess is that there are far more signals incoming than the nervous system can capacitate, especially an overworked nervous system already filled with decades of stress vibrations, which does not have the ability to experience relaxed security. I am learning how. The exchange of information between my nerves and the facia of the body burns like fire sometimes, or just rolls like cooling magma, slow and heavy. All of these systems are technology, a technology I am actively re-coding and learning to intelligently interact with. No idea how that will go.
I spend more time outside, turn on my computer later each morning and turn it off earlier each night, go to bed earlier and earlier, crochet more, and break all house and family tasks down into smaller and smaller pieces. My capacity to do tasks involving many steps over time in linear fashion (from start to finish until a task is done) is compromised, so multiple tasks are done simultaneously in small parts. For example, one section of floor is vacuumed, then the crochet is picked up and another bunch of stitches created, then more floor, then a pile of washing, then more crochet, and more floor. Then sit and look at the yard for a bit. Then some squats or bouncing on the mini tramp, more crochet, more floor, shopping list, a recording etc etc, until tasks become complete. It gets life done.
Where are we going? Don't know. Why are we moving? Don't know. Why is life is so filled with anxiety and pain? Don't want to investigate for now. Are the endeavours of myself or any of my friends ever going to bare the fruits they deserve? Currently a question I had to discard the pondering of. I let go of creating outcomes for now.
I have been writing this blog post for more than 5 days. I write a sentence and then crochet another half dozen stitches.
If you are coming in late to this party of mine and would like to know what tools I am talking about, I have added some handy links.
I went to Bunnings (large hardware store) this afternoon(Sunday), and experienced a completely new, bizarre thing. Initially it was just that I could not get any closer than 2 metres to anyone without getting imbalanced, fuzzy headed. This is not new, but is so much more intense when I am in a transition/expulsion phase. Then as we moved back into the store and I passed an aisle, I turned to look, saw a staff member and Bam - I think I was seeing his timeline unravelling in a data stream around him, it hit me fast and unexpectedly and pushed me off balance. I found something to lean on and tried to find the words or make words form in my head to explain it to my husband.
Then each time I saw someone else, instantly I was seeing clear rectangular screens of data pop out of their core and arrange on left and right of them. It was instant, not seeing with my ocular nerve but on the inner viewing screen. I could not read or interpret all the data, I think mostly because it disturbed me so much, was such a new thing, that I pull away rather than fall into the experience. I picked up some bits of information which my brain registered before I could stop it. It seemed like information on planned events coming up in their lives, but after more thought I feel it was data sheets on the 'worries, fears, anxieties' which are underpinning and driving their life choices. Fears and worries others speak on them, like a young man had 'potential car accident' on one of his sheets, which may be what his parent worries about or the stereotype young men hear all the time as they statistically have the highest rates of car crashes. Do you get what I'm saying?
How does this help me in my life?????!!!!! What the frick can I actually do with this ability???
So now I've found an ASMR vid which I like the sounds in and am trying really hard to chillax my messed up sensory and body information systems. But I have no clue what I am doing mostly, it is all intuitive action.
Something massive has happened, it has changed the playing field. If I can do it, I will listen back over the past 6-12 months of my recordings.... gah that is days worth of hours.... and see what indicators I laid down for this. Not that it matters really, we are where we are. I guess I have written enough here to be a record for myself to look at in another 12 months. By now, several days after starting this post, my body is settling some. The valerian, blue vervain, ashwaganda and other adaptogenic herbs, plus sound symbol audio is getting me through. Now for more waiting and seeing, and blanket making.
♥