A Thing decided Today.

Today (15 July 2019) I have just this minute decided to be awesomely, astoundingly, skilfully pointless for the rest of my days. I really don't have to have a point. I don't have to have a destination. I don't have to have a goal, nor a purpose, nor an ideal, nor even a dream. The harder I focus on having a point of achievement to aim for in a day, the harder it becomes each day to aim for that point.

​ I have a lot of skills. But I am mostly a twisty, twervy thing that bounces about like a ball in a game machine, or spins about the rim of a funnel in perpetual motion having no point but the pathway of movement. What if I actually sit still on the inside? What if I actually spent an entire day just staring out the window? Or maybe just put my head down on this desk, close my eyes, and drift.

I made this website as a space for myself to sit in, because I could not find any other spaces that felt comfortable, and I still don't. Initially I used this space to share the bulk of my works in sound and symbol, but was shown again and again that sharing depleted me. I can feel when someone comes by if they are having a hard day or feeling emotionally void, or if they are judgemental and dismissive, or if they are just looking for something to pump up their own energy tank.

I cannot find a way to show without people tapping in and taking, or without my essence automatically pouring out. It is the nature of communication. If you connect a space with less water to a space with much water, liquid moves from one to the other. Folks won't even know, notice, or agree, because they are not able to feel or sense what I am emanating unless they are one of a handful of similar beings. But they will still benefit, go away and congratulate themselves for an epiphany had a little while later.... an epiphany formed from my CI, using my etheric mechanics which speak and act perpetually. ​

I hold off on saying many things, because there is no place for them in this reality, and shoving them in gets to be like pushing foam putty into a pasta maker - hard work. Nothing has been able to step up far enough to answer my vibration, to hold a space for me like I hold space for so much else, and I wonder why I keep looking for it to. I try to hold space for myself, that is also hard work; because I only use a portion of self to build the structures here for myself to live in, thinking that much of what is me would be completely rejected and repelled by the fluid in this bubble of time/space. It probably will be, but I can't keep making this thing which is me with only some of the main ingredients. ​

I can't not be me only because people will discount and dismiss and reprimand. They do those things because they want to, not because their actions are justifiable.

My daughter is a skilled being; she is dedicated, diligent, hard working. She is also on the spectrum of what is called autism so she thinks and responds in ways not average. She upsets insecure people, especially women, just by walking in the door. She can work her tiny arse off and get reprimanded, whilst people around her get rewarded. I know how that feels (except my arse is not tiny). We cannot change the default setting for white western culture females, wish we could, but they have some vital flaws - shockingly low self-esteem being one, a nasty predilection toward retribution and punishment of other women being another.

I share this to make a point, in this meandering line of words, that we are what we are, and we are not what others are. Truly. And this makes life hard.

We have to work 5 times as hard to get daily tasks done, to get employed, to keep a lease, to find stable environments with mature people to be friends. We have to practice invisibility if we don't want to become the focus of a raving bitch who is an angel to everyone else. We get shoved in front of at Cafes like we don't exist, but that same person would blame us for their order being late. People's eyes glaze over when they see us, and our many amazing projects get ignored whilst another is told 'OMG you are the most mostest amazing true talent of all time!!!!' for building lopsided sandcastles.

And I'm confused, bored, frustrated, twisty, at a loss, unable to find a path to make a life happen, can't travel, take all my breath and energy to do the grocery shopping and cook meals, can't train to find work, can't be out in the people places longer than an hour, can't interface with the stupidity called humanity, can't get interested in anything on offer to be a viable human, and can't find a reason to not express myself with use of the word Fuck, and I really really want to let loose on a woman in public (knowing that that is what she wants more than I do) and tell the world repeatedly how very much I dislike her. But I'm supposed to be nice or I won't be rewarded by life or the universe!!!!!!!

OMFG. Is there a mercurial retrograde underway or some other shit?

SphereScript - Sherri-Lee Lavender

* Addition July 18 2019 - Because I am a tad concerned that I inadvertently give folks the impression that I am telling them to bugga off; I wish to say that when I talk about energy drains or people tapping in and taking and not getting enough back to stay here perpetually giving - I am not specifically speaking of you who regularly pay attention to my blog or Draumr. I am making pretty generalised statements really, and mean more those who drop in and run off; who think they know all there is to know about consciousness because a group of Pleiadians started talking to them and suddenly they can tap in to all the universe; who think everything of spirit should be given to them for free because Source says we have to give freely; who don't think I'm worth much of their time and give nix in the exchange.

Mostly I am doing etheric layer work which is not immediately relevant to others and this over-taxes me, as does trying to interact with my life, and hence I need to 'close for maintenance', and reset connections.